You're a Tiger!

When I saw this Time issue on the newsstand, I got really interested and wanted to read the article right away. One reason why is that my husband confessed that he fears that I might become a horrible tiger mom in rearing our daughter, so might as well have a read and somehow assess myself.



Anyway, since Time costs a bit too much at $55 per issue here in HK, I decided to just read it online. You get the same thing online at no cost.


I started reading the article about Amy Chua, a Chinese immigrant mother in the USA, describing herself as a “tiger mother”, who wrote a controversial memoir of rearing her children. The story creating the most buzz is her calling older daughter Sophia “garbage.” She blatantly claimed that Chinese mothers are more superior to Westerners in all aspects of parenting. She didn’t allow her children to join school activities, sleepovers; giving long hours of math and spelling reviews, tireless hours of violin/piano practice that at one time, she didn’t let her youngest daughter pause to drink water or even go to the bathroom.

Amy Chua with daughters, Sophia and Lulu (photo from the web)

                                       

As I read through it, I began hearing my Daddy’s voice like I was hurled back in time.

Daddy and the baby me

Growing up, there were actually a lot of DOs and DON’Ts imposed on us.

when we were young, circa 1995

1. “Don’t have a failing grade, or an unacceptable one.” ( WALANG BABAGSAK.)

I experienced crying over math assignments during one-to-one reviews, when there was not an answer in my head anymore but they still insisted for an answer. That happened a lot of times.

2. “Don’t join any extra-curricular activities; just focus on the academic subjects.” (WALA NG IBA, MAG-ARAL LANG KAYO.)

I asked his permission to join the varsity team (I wasn’t that good, ok.) and before there was a “yes” were several sermons.

3. “Don’t go home beyond 6PM.” (UMUWI AGAD, WALA NG BARKA-BARKADA.)

Whenever we went home past 6, we were sure there’d be a sermon. Sometimes, I would sneak in and dress “pambahay” right away and say “I’ve been here before 6” just not to hear the same tune again.

4. “Don’t talk too much over the phone.” (WALANG TELEBABAD.)

There’d be a lot of questioning if it took us minutes to end the call. What were we talking about, why he/she is calling, didn’t you finish your talking in school…that kind of interrogation from a phone call.

5. “Don’t text.” (SINO BANG TINE-TEXT MO? ITIGIL MO YAN.)

When mobile phones became a big hit in the Philippines, it also became a top-grossing point of discussion in the family.

6. And the most popular, repeated every day in random circumstances is, “NO BOYFRIENDS.” (WALANG LIGAW-LIGAW).

Self-explanatory. Haha.

And the litany went on.

I remember that throughout high school, everything was almost timed, metered and measured. I wasn't an A-student in school but my grades were more than satisfactory in most of the subjects. But what I didn't understand back then was why examinations/quizzes had to be perfected. Isn't it very difficult to get a 100? We, siblings would always say that the subject was hard or the teacher's a terror whenever scores were unsatisfactory, giving an excuse to an extent. But our Daddy would always get back to us with an answer I didn't know how to react, that maybe our efforts weren't enough. That maybe the time we spent reviewing was short, that maybe all the time in class, we were not listening. Statements to that effect would leave us all quiet, at times crying.

the four of us with Daddy

One time, my youngest sister brought her quarterly exam papers, confidently showing how she bested the exams with only 2-5 mistakes she made per subject. When our Daddy was reviewing the papers to sign them off, he commented how come she wasn't able to perfect it when she was 2 points close to 100.

Our youngest, Genie, with Daddy

During the time when my maturity was as raw as an egg, I wasn't able to fathom how strict a parent could get. I used to cry all the time whenever I was not permitted to attend a batch party, overnight swimming party, etc. etc. I would make excuses to cover up some lies. I thought he was ruthless, how could he not understand me.

Fast forward to present time, I am already a mother to a smart and pretty daughter. I couldn’t explicate how much her life is an important aspect to me as a parent that I want to give all for her. How I want to lead her to the right direction, how I want her to grow up and be the best she could me, by all means. Maybe the same thing as Amy Chua meant it. That when you do it, it doesn’t mean your love is less. It all springs forth from the foundation of love. Yet I don’t think it follows that if you are the opposite parent, your love is more.

with my daughter, April 2010

I do not have the right to judge others’ style, but being loose sometimes is not healthy in my opinion. Letting children mull and salivate at the computer the whole day watching nothing mentally and educationally enhancing is mere negligence, if I may say. Letting them dictate you what they want and how their lives be led buds a healthy relationship between the parent and the child? Being satisfied of merely passing grades which you believe are not enough? Is it a kind of parenting that will raise better children? I don’t think so. “PUSH” is a good word sometimes.

with our Mom, April 2009

Now, that “strict parenting” our Daddy was and still is enforcing to my younger siblings is nothing but a model to me now. I used to think immaturely that it was nothing but selfishness on his/their part, for not allowing us to do so and so many things, not letting us grow the way we wanted to. But now, I think differently and it is the exact opposite. I told myself many times that I wouldn’t become anything like him when I become a parent. Now, I realised, it is the only, if not the only, the best way I know how to rear our child. There are a few things needed to be changed though from my Dad’s style but the whole point is getting a grip of her.

the recent us, May 2010

I hope no one would get me wrong though with all the bitterness that I might have felt way back. Now, I only have much love, respect and gratefulness to my Daddy, my Mama and Lola and everyone else in the family who've shaped me, us, that I have fully understood now.

Truly, you will never understand a parent until you become one yourself. And I am not saying that the style that I’ve grown up with will be effective to my daughter or not. What I can say is that parenting styles work with different types of children. The way it worked for me might be a lot different from my siblings.

As the Filipino saying puts it, “marami pang kakaining bigas”. I still have a lot to learn, to experience. So until that challenging day comes, I’m far from labelling myself yet as the “lenient mom”, “whatever-mom”, or the “tiger mom”. Only she can tell.

P.S.

Not surprisingly, Amy Chua’s book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, was released 11 Jan 2011. The uproar on the net from all the corners of the world and TV guestings, have made the book more popular. Indeed this feature of Time has been effective that I’ve checked some bookstores in HK for its availability.  I called the Hong Kong Book Centre last Tuesday (22 Feb) and it’s already out-of-stock! That fast! Good job to Amy Chua!